The 20 Something Crisis.

My last post was really a depressing list of reason why I think I'm feeling rubbish. I reread today and thought to myself if I still felt the same, if I regret writing the words- was there any truth to them. I came to the conclusion that I start feeling this way a lot when I come home. Then it hit me. I'm going through a quarter life crisis.

That's right. A mid life crisis but at 20 something. Now some people may read this like "seriously? Your life hasn't even started what is there to worry about?". Now on some level I do agree but then there is a lot to be said about the fear of starting life.

'The 20 something crisis' is something that, I believe, hits us students when we are anticipating leaving the safety of our homes and comfy financed live's, actually going out into the real world. Starting 3rd Year is a massive deal. Its your last year of education and then you have to decide where you go from there. Along with the looming grey cloud that's rolling in you have to deal with the little things. And that's were life can get a bit much.

I was on the phone to a close friend last night and we were chatting about the division of your life when you go to university. You totally uproot yourself to a completely new place and make a life there, friends, home and education. But then you're coming home for holidays and moving all your things back for four months. Now the only things this place holds for you are your family and old friends. You have meet ups maybe twice a year, everyone catches up with each other, they 'miss each other'. You meet up with people you used to spent everyday with during college/sixth form or whatever. This sounding familiar? For me, I constantly find myself needing to find new conversation. You catch up and find out what everyone's up to but then were does it go from there?Gossip seems to be the done thing to do but then for that you actually need some. I sit there with people I've spent years of my childhood with and I'm just forcing a smile. I do, or though, have a handful of people that I know I can talk to and spent time with without that feeling. 

It seems like old friendships are over, but that's totally natural. People enter your life and people leave it. That's totally fine because some people will hold on. But then the question hits me, how the hell do you avoid these situations if you don't want to be in them? That's the odd thing, I don't want to just blank people out of my life.

I feel like this really answers the whole 'fed up of people' thing I have going on. Its hard to feel happy and wanted when social situations get a little tiring. You just have to surround yourself with the people that do keep you sane and make you happy, all be it over a phone call.

                                                                        justthatgirlvicky
                                                                                     

Feeling a bit emotional...

So the last couple of weeks have been a bit   testing? i think that may be the word.

I don't know why but suddenly I've started to feel a bit down, like I did before my amazing trip to Africa. There's no reason for it, every things going fine, life's okay. So why do I feel this way? I could probably list some symptoms or think of some causes but then where does that leave me. With a list of problems, some with no solution. Sometimes listing things is the best way to organise yourself. Just empty your mind, write all your concerns, worries and thoughts onto a page (or computer screen) and get it all out. In the open. Okay here goes:

• People. I feel like I'm fed up of people. I don't feel like I have anyone to 100% rely on. There seems to be issues with all of my friendships- majority I just blame myself and go into a state of self loathing. I feel like I need to let go of some people but then I get confused because I don't know who to hold on to. I know I have people in my life who I love and I want to keep in my life but then I don't know how. Voicing all of this to someone is hard, it doesn't make sense in my head so how can I make words about it?
• Lately with certain friends I've felt excluded from conversation: technology is your worst enemy when it comes to keeping friendships. And I'm struggling to hold on. Do I want to hold on?
• I've recently been running around because I've be offered a job but I don't know if i should take it. I'm scared of getting overwhelmed in my third year- this job is more complex than I originally thought. Now what to I do? Reject the job from being scared or say yes and solider through. I'm so torn.
• Relationships. Men. I'm really starting to think more about it, about certain people. Missing them. Its not healthy. It needs to stop.
• I feel like I have zero motivation to do anything. I've stopped challenging myself, I don't want to go out or see people its too much effort when I know I wont enjoy it anyway's. Friendships suffer. 

Basically there's a lot going in my small mind and its pouring out over the sides. But I feel like I have no one to talk to. So the best thing I could think of what writing it here, were no on looks anyway's and I can ramble and not have to say sorry.

                                                                            justthatgirlvicky